Odo's Linking Revelations
by evenstar8705
Summary: Set in the episode Sacrifice of Angels in Season 6. Odo Links one last time with the Female Changeling on DS9 in a desperate attempt to explain to her his deep feelings for Kira, human love, and things he learned being Security Chief of Terrok Nor. In the end, he remembers what the most important things in the universe are.


Odo had decided to Link with the Female Changeling one last time. One last time to try to do what he had originally planned instead of allowing her to take complete control and overwhelm him and make him forget what he set out to do. She would dominate him with her senses, thoughts, and ideas. He had been weak and passive and honestly fascinated and curious. She was the only other Changeling he had really linked with. The Changeling he had accidentally killed was the only other one, and that had been for a fleeting moment. He was actually in the Great Link when he was judged for that murder. That had been the real experience! But the Great Link didn't trust him and fully embrace him and spit him out, trapped in humanoid shape. After he gained his Changeling body back, he wasn't sure if he would ever Link with another Changeling or be in the Great Link again. Maybe that was why he had allowed this one to keep him linked for three whole days straight! Three days and yet it had only felt like three hours.

 _Three days is nothing to us,_ she thought at him. _When you are in the Great Link, centuries can go by in the blink of an eye._

 _That scares me a little,_ he mused back.

 _Why? To a cell in a Solid body, a heartbeat must feel like an entire year. To an atom in our body, a tiny microsecond is like an eon. You shouldn't remain too attached to Solid concept of time._

 _It seems to matter a great deal when there is a war going on,_ Odo pointed out. _Even you must attend meetings and check up on casualties, wins, losses, what players are still in the battles. Those sorts of things change in the blink of an eye, a ripple in our state._

 _There are no casualties, losses, or players beyond other Changelings and we keep them out of the battles. We use Solids, Odo. They are the cannon fodder. You think I care about the Cardassians or the Jem'hadar or even the Vorta? No, not unless they threaten our home planet and the Great Link. None of it matters._

Odo rippled, disturbed at that. _You really don't care about the loss of life? Maybe you really are an intergalactic warlord._

 _And who called me that? Kira?_

As usual when she brought up her image, he trembled. _I don't want to…_ Too late. The Female Changeling was assaulted with images and sensations of her.

She rippled with annoyance, _I thought we had been over this. You wanted to cut her from your being. You told me that! I helped you do it. Why does she keep returning?_

 _I don't know!_

 _You told her she didn't matter to you anymore, didn't you? She got angry, just like I told you she would. She left the room. She is done with you. It is done. But this keeps happening! No matter how much we Link._

 _Are you jealous? Have you fallen in love with me or perhaps Kira? I swear that you are the one that keeps bringing her up!_

He had meant to be amusing, but he had come to realize that the Female Changeling had no sense of that at all. His friends, the Solids, had always accused him of having no humor. In the beginning, that was true. If he made a joke or said something they laughed at, it was because he unintentionally amused them. He would say something ironic or dark. That was 'dead pan' humor, as Sisko called it. 'Bluntness' Dukat and the Cardassians called it. He would act the fish out of water that he was. They would find that hilarious! But their joy, he could feel that as a Changeling. It became like an infectious bug that tickled, found his core, and stayed there. He began to enjoy it and nurse it and develop it. He was not an android or robot. He was sentient and feeling. You would think that the name they used for his species would have said it all: Changeling. No one should have been surprised that he had changed so much over the years. Linking with the Female Changeling was teaching him more about himself than about the Great Link or her.

He could sense the Female Changeling was omitting a great deal. She used the excuse he wasn't ready. It seemed he would never be ready in her eyes. No one had ever judged him or scrutinized him so harshly. No one seemed less forgiving. That or she was being deceptive. It wouldn't be the first time! Even when he was in the Great Link, the whole of his species was hiding from him. They had even tried to feed him false information! He had once had the romantic notion that his people couldn't lie. After all, he could only bring himself to lie a handful of times his entire lifetime! The terrible truth was that his people did lie. They lied like Cardassians! They fed the galaxy propaganda, allowed the Vorta and their underling races to think they were gods when they clearly were not!

He remembered being a 'child' in Dr. Mora's lab, the closest thing he had to a father in the humanoid sense. He had tried to shove the religion of the Prophets down his throat and Odo resented it. When the man gave Odo one of the Bajoran earrings, he smashed it. When he forced him to prayers and services, Odo would intentionally mess up the words. He had been a very terrible child. He knew that now. It was amazing that his 'parent' hadn't abandoned him. Now he understood it was because Dr. Mora Pole actually loved him like his own son. He only realized that when he lost his own Baby Changeling, acquired from Quark, not from his own body or any connection with another. It must have been one of the other one hundred Changelings that the Great Link had spit out and coldly abandoned to space. Ah, the Great Link, abandoning its children. He wondered how many others of the one hundred were out there and how many had perished. He might never know. Even the Great Link didn't know and strangely didn't seem to care. Sisko had reported encountering a Changeling that might have been one of the one hundred on a random planet but that one had been terribly sick and died. So much for being gods.

Well, he didn't hate the Bajoran religion. He was not a believer, but he saw how much it meant to Kira and saw how it had benefited Bajoran society mostly for good. It had its darkness and archaic rules. Not even Kira had liked the rigid caste system it had justified for so many years. She had never tried to make him convert or judged him for his lack of faith. She didn't think of him as a heathen either. She knew Odo had a moral compass despite not having a higher power to invoke. He did things because he knew innately that it was right and she had an enormous admiration for that. He didn't need the threat of supernatural punishment. She had told him that was an amazing thing. When she was a child, she avoided doing bad things only because of her fear of the Prophets. She had been a terrible child too, she said, and they giggled.

 _I hate that woman,_ the Female Changeling had seen his fond memory of Kira and lashed a tendril very irrationally and violently.

 _I don't see how you could. I thought Changelings are above hate._

 _She keeps you from us._

 _It isn't just Nerys! I care about Benjamin, Jadzia, Elim, Julian, Miles, and all the rest!_

 _You are even using their first names! Do you want me to purge them from you too? Are they going to just pop themselves back like Kira does? This is like some sort of disease! It must be eradicated before you can enter the Great Link. You and I must spend a great deal more time together. This is painfully clear._

 _Why, do you actually enjoy my company?_

 _You are the only other Changeling here._

 _That doesn't sound like affection. You are using me,_ he rippled with resentment.

 _I have affection for all Changelings. We are all alike, part of the same Great Link. We are barely individuals._ _We are using each other. This relationship is mutual._

 _No. We aren't. There is no fairness here. You are getting far more from me than I have ever gotten from you._

 _Do you want to join again like Solids?_

He reeled with shock for a moment. She was actually asking for sex?

 _NO!_

She was surprised at the vehemence of his rejection. Surprised, and was she even a bit hurt? She withdrew a little from his mind.

 _Are you sure? I don't mind. You seem to like the act. Perhaps I need to practice, get used to it. I will do it for you._

 _You are supposed to more than mind it. It's supposed to make you feel and I can't possibly enjoy it if you don't. That's not how it's supposed to work._

 _Are you really such an expert on the matter? We always feel, Odo. Feeling is our most important sense._

 _No, I mean you don't feel it. It's hard to explain. I once thought it was a silly concept too. The Cardassians didn't help convince me either._

 _Oh?_

He showed her one of his darker memories. It was when he was security officer and DS9 was Terrok Nor. Kira Nerys had managed to leave the station only a few days before. Odo and Kira had already had their first encounter, but even in their first meeting, she had left a lasting impact on the young Odo. She had given him a lot to think about. He came to Terrok Nor in the first place when Gul Dukat requested him. He had expressed desire for a new security officer and he had decided Odo was perfect. Odo was an alien and took pride in his neutrality. Though he was raised on Bajor, most of his years were in a lab. He didn't see much of the horrors of the Occupation until he was in space at the station. Cardassians had never victimized him in any way. They were arrogant and thought he was some sort of clown because of his shape shifting abilities, but Bajorans had thought the same thing. He had to admit, he reveled in his new authority, his power to enforce rules, to intimidate others. But he never abused it. His innate moral compass wouldn't allow that.

 _I know now that my moral compass is entirely my own,_ he let the Female Changeling know that for a reason. _It is not a racial memory like I once thought. The Founders have done horrible things to keep Order. Order is not the same thing as justice._

 _Justice is Justice,_ the Female Changeling quoted Odo. _Go on. What is it that happened on Terrok Nor you wanted me to see?_

One day, he was lurking near the mines, and he witnessed four Cardassian soldiers assaulting a teenage Bajoran girl. They had ganged up on her and were tearing at her clothes. Odo placed himself in front of the girl and allowed the soldiers to glimpse his gelatinous form, but he made it as terrifying as possible. He increased his height to the ceiling and formed liquid tendrils that stretched clear across the width of the room. He let out an animal-like, loud roar, imitating one of the more deadly predators on Cardassia to take advantage of primordial fear. It worked wonders and he rippled with delight at their reaction. All but one soldier fled, but he had their faces committed to memory. The girl ran off, which annoyed him a little.

 _She could have been grateful to her rescuer. What happened then, Odo, and what is the point of this story?_

Odo dragged the last soldier, too scared to flee, into Dukat's office. He made a report of what he saw. Dukat demanded the names of the other soldiers. It was Dukat that sentenced criminals, not Odo, unfortunately. He ordered Odo to throw the Cardassian into a cell.

"What is going to be his sentence?" Odo asked.

"A hefty fine. The same thing will happen when we track down the others. Once the fines are paid by their wives, they will be free to go. Well done, Odo. My last security officer would have joined in on the fun rather than report this. How does it feel to save a damsel in distress?"

"F-Fun?" Odo stammered. "I don't understand. That girl-child didn't look like she was having fun!"

Dukat laughed at him.

 _A fine? That's all for what the soldiers did?_ the Female Changeling rippled.

 _I thought the same thing. If a Bajoran man had even looked at a Cardassian woman the wrong way, he would have lost an eye for it. If he put a hand on her, the hand would have been lopped off. Anything else and the most valued part of him would have been surgically removed unless he opted for death. I was confused that these men had wives but they were preying on Bajoran girls. Those same wives paid for their fines, just as Dukat said. I began to think that only the males of the species enjoyed sex and only for sadistic reasons. If women consented to it, it was in hopes of a child._

 _Sounds like a correct assessment to me._

Odo rippled in frustration. _No. I was wrong. I saw other great injustices that made me side with the Bajorans. I should have seen them before, but it was Kira that opened my eyes. I demanded food rations and salary. Dukat thought I was crazy asking for food since he knew I don't eat. I told him it was my right and that was that. He couldn't argue. I gave my food rations away to the Bajoran children. I noticed they were always thin, but when Cardassians brought their children to visit, they were always well fed. I gave my money to Bajoran women so they wouldn't have to trade themselves for it. When I saw an exhausted Bajoran man leaving the mines, I offered him drinks, a bed in the security office. I did everything I could for the Bajorans without drawing too much notice to myself. Dukat seemed fond of me, and I'll never know why, but he would replace me if he had known just how much I had become biased toward the obvious victims. I risked it because I knew that Nerys would have and because my conscience told me to._

 _You are confirming that Solids are awful. Except Kira, I guess. So what? She is one person._

 _I'm not finished! I also witnessed a true love story between a Cardassian woman and a Bajoran man on Terrok Nor._

 _Ha!_

 _It's true! I was flabbergasted. She was the person in position of power. Her race was the one that enslaved men like the Bajoran to the mines. Oh yes, the papers and Cardassians all carefully avoided words like slaves or victims. They said that men were 'assigned' to the mines and women were 'selected' to be comfort women. The Cardassian woman was married as well, but she seemed to genuinely love a Bajoran that worked in the mines. She was the one that approached him. She had to earn his trust. She smuggled him food and money. They exchanged kisses in the shadows. If she didn't want that sort of attention from him, she could have had him flayed alive. If he didn't want it, he could have overpowered her. They even slipped away deep in the mine for hours. She was a Dissident. She truly loved him and was working out a way to help him escape. I thought Cardassian women especially were cold and unfeeling. Cardassian men are the passionate ones in that species. I observed their relationship from afar, pretending not to notice. I also pretended not to notice when they did escape together. They became some of my Cardassian contacts later on the station. I heard Bajoran women gossiping about love and sex in the mess halls. On DS9, I was forced to listen to Dax go on and on about the subject! I pretended that it didn't interest me. I had only seen and judged the entire matter on the bad experience. It was far more interesting and complex than I had imagined._

 _You do seem to have an active imagination, Odo._

 _And Quark said I had none! I also knew I was wrong because I experienced it for myself. Arissa more than enjoyed our time together even though it was short._

He allowed her access to his intimate memories of his night with Arissa. He thought she was a human woman, but she had been an undercover Idanian woman. She was so deep undercover that Arissa was not her name, she was surgically altered to look human, had forgotten she was married, nearly everything about her real life. Even though she was not Kira, something about her had reminded him of her. He was convinced Kira could never love him. His loneliness and curiosity had finally gotten to him. Even though he barely knew her, and much of what she had told him was lies, he had done something very un-Odo-like, as his friends later said. He made love to her as a humanoid. No one had ever suspected he had such desires or thoughts because he never voiced them, except a few subtle hints to Kira, and only because she was his only real friend, not just his unrequited lover. She had always been his friend first. Maybe Dax and Quark had seen through his walls too. He wasn't sure.

 _Yes, yes, you showed me this before. We have near perfect memory. Why this again?_ The Female Changeling was impatient.

 _I am desperate to make you understand. Do you recall the sensations? The feelings? The warmth, the softness, the rhythmic heartbeat? The emotions churning? The sighs and the feeling of physical and soulful love? The way that our bodies seemed to be one, even without Linkng? The burning in the flesh, the tingling in the nerve endings, the rippling in my core? It was like Linking, but different. It was different but not unrewarding. A part of me never wanted to leave that bed, never wanted to withdraw from Arissa's body. I never felt any of that with you! Nothing remotely like it!_

 _You sound like some idiotic Bajoran poet. I became a humanoid woman in every sense. Why was it so different?_

 _Why the insults? I'm trying to make a point and you just made it for me. You and Arissa were nothing alike. More than half of the feelings were gone with you, the best parts! Shouldn't it have been the same? Why was it like night and day?_

 _Solids do that sort of thing because of their biological need to reproduce. Those emotions and feelings are simply chemical reactions._

 _No. That's not all! I refuse to believe that!_

 _Believe? You are not a believer. Wake up, Odo! You've become stuck on Solids. One in particular. Even if it's real,_ the Female Changeling insisted. _It's not for us. The Great Link is better. Kira will never love you like that. Do you want me to become her again? Then you can have your questions answered at last. Then you will finally know what you are supposedly missing, what you're sacrificing the Great Link for without hope of ever receiving it!_

Odo nearly withdrew his entire form away from the Female Changeling at that! She had teased him with that tantalizing idea before. She had taken Kira's form and invited him to bed, using her voice. She had taken Odo's most fond images of her and chosen the exact ones that would make him ripple with desire. She made Kira's hair long as it had appeared the first time he saw her. She was wearing the cream colored night gown Odo had seen her in once. It was long, not short or obviously revealing, but it complimented her curves so well. It made Odo think of a fruit from earth he had tasted when he was human and enjoyed. He wondered if Kira would taste like a warm, fuzzy peach. Odo would have lied if he said he wasn't tempted. The Founder was one of the best shape shifters. She loved to brag about that. It was one of the reasons why she was sent to the Alpha Quadrant. She was so good that she could even make the fake Kira cry. Changelings could not cry and this Changeling was the only one that was able to duplicate tears correctly. Instead of indulging, Odo had begged her to simply use her 'Changeling' humanoid body and face. He told her he wanted to know what it was like with another of his kind. That had been the point, not to fulfill a fantasy. He could have used a holosuite for that years and years ago if that was what he wanted. She complied.

 _You are not Kira,_ there was a dangerous inflection to his waves. _I don't care if you make her beg my name and try to seduce me the way one of Julian's sordid holoprogram girls does!_ _You are nothing like her. You obviously could never be like her. I don't like lies and this is the last one I'll tolerate! You can imitate her, but you have proven once already you are incapable of empathy, of love, of emotion! Kira is a passionate woman that has almost never lied to me! She never asked me to compromise myself or do anything I didn't want to do unless it was a truly lofty and deep matter that needed it! Why is it that a humanoid is wiling to give me more freedom than my own people? She hated Cardassians for what they did, not what they are! You hate all Solids and Humanoids because of some ancient persecution complex! The Founders are unable to forgive or tolerate, and that's something Kira does! It's the reason why she hates Dukat but loves his daughter! It's the reason she hates Damar but was able to forgive and love Ghemor! She even has a Cardassian friend on this station and he is mine too: Garak! She hates her enemies because they earned that title and she loves her allies and friends with a fierceness that could rip atoms apart! Would you risk your life for me?_

 _I'd risk my life for any Changeling._

 _Not for just any Changeling! For me!_

 _Of course!_

She sounded so insincere that Odo was utterly disgusted. He knew she was telling him what he wanted to hear. He thought of Kira. He remembered that as friends, she was so careful to suggest activities they both liked. She cared deeply about his feelings and what he thought of her in particular. She must have felt judged by him, just as he felt judged and belittled by the Female Changeling now more than ever. They would play spring ball together because she knew they both enjoyed it. It didn't matter that Odo won nearly all the matches. She had wanted any excuse to spend time with her best friend. She laughed at nearly all of his jokes, even the lame ones, especially the lame ones! There was always such pure affection whenever she hugged him or touched him. When he was falsely accused of murder, she defended him as though her own life was on the line. When the Romulans accused him of saving her only because he must have some sort of romantic attachment for the Major, she threatened them! Romantic feelings or not, that never mattered to her. What mattered was that her Odo would have saved her or anyone within reach because it was the right thing to do and she wouldn't have hesitated to save his life in the same situation! What mattered was that Odo always did the right thing. She loved him and respected him more than Shakaar or even Bareil in all ways but the physical one that eluded him.

At least that used to be true. He felt a deep shame to his core. The Female Changeling felt it and was dismayed. He always did the right thing in any situation. Until now. He had broken promises to Nerys. He had practically betrayed Bajor, the Federation, his friends. He told Nerys he used to care for her but not anymore. It was his greatest lie. Even the Female Changeling knew it and couldn't change it for long: Odo loved her. Just like with what he realized on Gaia, he was forced to face it again. He no longer cared if she did ever gave him physical reciprocation or Linking. It didn't matter to him anymore and that was made all the more obvious by the Female Founder's pathetic attempt to bait him with sex. If he ever saw her again, he would have to apologize and win her back. He wanted his best friend in the galaxy at his side. The Great Link be damned! The more he thought about it, the more he wondered if it wasn't same false paradise. Why should he join a Great Link that seemed poisoned (and he had no idea how true that would prove to be)!

He suddenly couldn't stand the sensation of the Female Changeling anymore. She didn't seem to understand or appreciate a single thing he had showed her or told her. She had mocked it and tried to twist it. She was a Changeling but she was hopelessly incapable of real, true change. She had been many things and seen many things. She had lived a long time. But simply taking the shape of an object, animal, or person was a far cry from understanding it. Odo may not be good at taking on the exact form of a thing, but he touched on the soul of it. He knew that was a real thing, the essence of being. It was a revelation. The Female Changeling wanted him to understand being and now he knew he understood it much better than she did. He realized his Great Gift. He might be the only true Changeling in the universe. Damn it all, wasn't this exactly the reason the Great Link had sent him out here? To learn, to feel, and to teach his people these things? Would they learn? This Changeling did not give him much hope.

He wanted to hold Nerys in his arms right now more badly than he had ever wanted it before. He took a shaky breath as he formed his humanoid self, shaking off drops of the unwelcome intruder. Still in her natural state, she lunged at him so he wouldn't escape. He anticipated this and shape shifted into a Tarkalean hawk to fly from her tendrils. Outside of his humanoid form, it was by far his favorite form and one of the few that he had actually mastered. There was no bird that could soar swifter. The Female Changeling swirled and missed him again and again. He let out a screech that in his humanoid form would have been a laugh. She tried to chase him as a hawk, but it seemed she was not as familiar with that particular form as he was. Another humiliation! Odo dove at her with his sharp talons and beak and clipped her wings. That would give him enough time to make his exit. The Female Changeling was forced to regenerate, and that would take a few precious moments.

"Do you really think that all I ever wanted from Nerys was one single act? You think _that_ is the end all and be all for humanoids or for me? I'm telling you, that would not be the end of it! It is an expression of love, not the ultimate goal of it! It would deepen my attachment and our relationship would change, but it would not be like a cure to some illness like you think! No! I will not Link with you ever again! Never! Return to the Great Link to get your company or learn to be lonely like I have! Maybe a century or two alone will make you appreciate someone other than yourself! Enough time and maybe you will be grateful even for humanoid company!"

He stormed out of the room and away from the Female Changeling to collect his thoughts. She rippled on the floor, seething.

And the next time he spoke to her, the Female Changeling ordered for Kira Nerys to be arrested and executed.

 _No,_ the Female Changeling felt his thoughts without Linking. _I won't let it happen._


End file.
